I have been feeling down lately (but with a mix of emotions).
I'm transitioning into second year for mathematics, and I've been feeling down lately.
So many people, family members, friends, profs alike have praised me for not giving up and having the fortitude to study through most difficult courses in first year. But while some may feel good about being praised, I have contrary emotions. I feel like I don't deserved to be praised, after all, what have I done? 4.0 GPA in hard mathematical courses doesn't mean anything because it is a range of percentage. I do have around 95 in courses such as discrete mathematics and will be taking analysis next year with algebra and more discrete math courses, but that's because there are so many things that I do not know and would like to know.
Mathematics (pure) is a mix of emotions for me. It's stressful in a sense that I want to know what I don't already know. At the same time, it's gratifying to prove something I haven't been able to prove for a long period of time. It's fun because I get to explore the unexplored areas.
However, lately I don't know my feelings too well.
I'd describe it as feeling like I want to cry, but no tears come out. It's fun, stressful, but depressing.
I want to become a mathematician, but I feel as though my mind is not "abstract" enough to think like other people. The mix of emotions make me feel like I'm contradicting myself every time I form a sentence. Creativity (imagination) is something all people are born with, yet I find myself lost and unable to think creatively. I follow the axiomatic ways, follow the conditions of the theorem, when it can and cannot be applied to a given situation. However, I have a sense that any "robot" could think like that.
Sorry for rambling on, I don't know myself these days.
The only thing I know I want to do is become a mathematician, but that's it.
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from math https://ift.tt/2AjSf3P
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