I've been reading a book. Not related with math at all. It talks mostly about history, evolution, religion and science. And this book reminded me, of how beautiful physics and mathematics can be. How exact sciences helps us to objectively understand how the universe around us works.
And how beautiful science is, in it's humility to recognize that we know almost nothing. And that a theory we proven today, might be disproven a couple of hundred years later. How science is willing to adapt, to discard old knowledge, to seek the exact.
This leaves me somewhat saddened, because math and all exact sciences have always been my weak point. And with time I developed an aversion to it. I'm trying to understand how and why this happened.
I think, the first recolection of a bad math experience was with my older brother. He is incredibly smart, and is 8 years older than me. When I tried to make some simple math problem, he would mock me for being slow. Or ridicule me for using my fingers to count. And he was all that I wanted to become. Smart and quick about everything. I think these experiences with math, inside my relationship with my brother, set in motion something about my relationship with math.
I think I became self aware of my slowness and poor ability at math, and like in the "Monster Experiment" (an experiment where one group of children are praised for they speech fuency, and others humilliated) I developed a mathematical "stutter", if that makes any sense.
I would doble check 20 times that a single addition was right, I wouldn't dare to use my fingers to count in front of other people. And I would avoid any possible contact with math, because I was ashamed.
When I have to sit my ass down to study math for a test, I am able to do so, and pass with mediocre notes. But everything I learned about math in a year, I completely forget the next. So even though I just finished highschool, if I had to study for an university level math test, I would probably have to revisit many years of highschool math.
I remember almost nothing about what I learned in math. Sure, sometimes it starts to come back when I'm facing a math book, but the process is slow and tedious until I'm able to get back to the supposed level I should be at.
Certain years of highschool, I have felt that satisfaction you get when you solve a somewhat complex equation. That "aha!" moment. Or in my case that "Ha! Look! I CAN do math if I set my mind to it!"
It just amazes me, how a simple dynamic in the relationship with my brother, could influence so hard my relationship with exact sciences for the rest of my life. Since I was ashamed at my ability to do it, I avoided it and started disliking it. I know I can do math if I set my mind to it. But I am afraid, that this negative relationship with math that has been throughout all of my life, and this label of "I suck at math" that I and my brother placed on myself, will always be present with me, and will always make my attemps at studying exact sciences harder. It's fucking sad.
I don't know if I would dedicate my life at studying math. But if I lived forever, or even a couple hundred of years, I would definetly spend some of my life studying it. It's like a mysterious and beautiful universe, that I feel I'm missing on (and probably always will)
Anyways, I just wanted to share this thought and ask if any of you have had a similar experience.
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